Since then I have been in a little world of my own. A world I, quite honestly, have longed to be in for such a long time. This little one has been hoped for, prayed for and wanted for so long that I almost felt like I knew who they were before they were even here. I felt like I was simply waiting for them to choose their moment to make their arrival. It has been a journey of loss and many tears but finally here we are and all I have wanted to do is to revel in it. To sit around and be in a private little world of joy with just this little one for company.
I don't know about you but I often do my most honest and upfront thinking in the middle of the night. I find myself waking up with a thought screaming out in my mind that I have perhaps been suppressing in my waking hours. Sometimes that has been frightening. Realising a deep sadness or a pressing fear but recently (as well as the waking up with all the usual fears that accompany pregnancy like 'Oh my goodness what is something happens to the baby!') I woke up with this very loud thought in my mind and sense in my heart, simply 'Life'.
It was like life bubbling up, life rediscovered. All I could think was that it felt life was surging through me like an electric current. The clouds had parted and I could well and truly see the sun. I realised that I had been staring up, almost unknowingly, at the clouds for so very long and that now I was looking up at pure sunshine again.
I say this knowing full well that so much of life in recent years has been an absolute joy. I remember vividly praying in church towards the end of last year that even if my biggest prayer for this baby was never answered then I would still be so deeply thankful because in these last few years, in this lifetime really, I have already been given what feels like the whole world. How could I respond to all that has come about with any reaction other than a deep 'thanks'?
But as I wrote at the turn of this year, before I knew what this year held in store, that joy has been intertwined with sadness too. I hadn't realised how big the cloud was until I came out, so unexpectedly, from under it. And so it was a wonderful midnight revelation to realise that this new life was acting like a fresh spring breeze helping me to rediscover my own sense of life. Their life growing feels like life welling up in me and I am so hugely grateful for it. I feel like I am rediscovering all the best of things - faith, life, hope, the whole shebang.
And now? My goodness I have no idea what the future is going to bring. Everything has changed. I'm not sure how I will write about it, what I'll want to write, what I'll be able to. Who knows. But this seems good for now.
