Well, first things
first, I am now ordained! Crikey, I hardly know what to do with
myself (quite literally!) and there will be more on that to come I am
sure but first I wanted to post a little something on the days
leading up to ordination which involved a silent retreat. Yup, it was
time for silence for the very, very chatty. Gulp.
As anyone who
encountered me before the retreat will know I did a fair amount of
humphing and grumphing (a technical term...!) about this before hand
because, well, I find it pretty hard to sit down and shut up for any
extended period time. Said like a true blogger eh?
Partly I was worried about spending the few
days before a life changing event in silence because I tend to
process things through talking. I hardly know what I think until I
have got it out of my head and in to words and somehow the
conversation helps me to know where I am at on things.
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The gorgeous location and weather helped a great deal this time!
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I've tried one silent
retreat before and it was all wonderfully bizarre. I was the only
person in the retreat house which reminded me intensely of the
Beast's Castle in Beauty and the Beast. So much so that I
expected the silverwaree to start speaking to me in a French accent
by day two. As it was I would have been bloomin' grateful for that
because being alone for that length of time was even harder than not
speaking. I tried to befriend the housekeeper but even she wouldn't
have me!
You can imagine my
surprise, then, when I absolutely loved this silent retreat before
ordination. From the moment we were told that we could no longer
speak to one another I felt this great sense of relief. The weeks and
month leading up to this crazy season of my life have been utterly
frantic. I have met so many new people and made so many decisions
that being locked in a room with books and having meals provided at
regular intervals was utter bliss.
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| Here's a top retreat trip - gin in a can and a good book! |
But what I really found
was that it was wonderful to be alone with my own thoughts. I
realised that from the moment I open my eyes in the morning to the
moment I go to bed I so rarely have more than half an hour without
interaction with someone else whether that is in person or online. It
is not that this interaction is bad, just that it is alters you and
changes your thoughts and feelings. Being on retreat I was able to
sustain a series of my own thoughts for days without interruption. It
was wonderful.
That, in itself, is
enough to recommend seeking out some silence but for those of you
more spiritually inclined it was also immensely good for my soul. I
had a chance to think, really think, about my life, where I had been,
where I was going and what all that meant to me.
I had a chance to
listen and talk to God, who after all is the only one who has any
real answers for me anyway. It turned out that the things I needed to
hear where so ridiculously simple that I was almost amazed that I
needed to hear them. Small but fundamental things like knowing that I
am loved, that I am cared for, that this next stage of things is so
firmly in God's hands that quite frankly I just need to chill the frick out.
I think it helped me to
be retreating with other people, just their presence was lovely even
if they weren't speaking, and regular little talks from the retreat
leader broke up the days. When the silence ended I was bit gutted
really and I sort of missed it somehow.
Now that I'm back in
the real world (as real as it can possible be for me in this strange
new role!) I really want to hold onto some of what I experienced, to
take time out to just let my own thoughts run, to give myself a
little time where no one, not even myself, is asking anything of me.
Well, that's the plan anyway!